Halloweenie

I was looking through a lot of my old pictures and i came across my favourites from Halloween this year and so I thought that I would share the story with you.

My best friend B and I go all out for fancy dress- we freaking love it, it's pretty much an obsession with us, last year we lived in our own house in Huddersfield and so we decided to throw an epic house party, we decorated the house, got a ton of party food and costumes - all on a stupidly limited budget because we were poor uni students, scraping to get by, yet we managed to get everything sorted.

Our costumes were awesome, but thanks to a virus spreading through uni like wildfire, all of our friends were sick, and so at our party there was just the four of us. Mega disappointment.

This year I live back down South and B and her fella have moved to London in a gorgeous mahoosive house and she invited me up and suggested we go out and celebrate in London. This sounded like a completely brilliant idea to me and I agreed immediately.

I didn't know what I wanted to dress up as, I have done most everything in terms of fancy dress and I like to be somewhat different because most girls use Halloween to dress like sluts.

When I got to B's we went shopping and we found some cheap prosthetics - B is awesome at creative stuff, she had done her fella  a mask so he'd look like one of The Gentlemen from the Buffy episode 'Hush' it was friggen terrifying, but also brilliant.

We decided to go as Zombies, which I couldn't wait to do, I've always said I'd do well in a zombie Apocalypse but I thought it might be fun to do the zombie thing.

B and I were waiting for her fella to finish work and so we decided to get us ready, I'd bought this gorgeous little white baby doll dress earlier and it was from an outlet store so super cheap (so cheap I bought 2) however the only size they had was 2 sizes bigger than I am, so B had to help me and safety pin the sides so that it fit better and I had to wear a top underneath to not inadvertently flash anyone. ;)

One thing we forgot to buy however, which is a MASSIVE oversight, was the fake blood, so we looked up recipes online to make our own - which is perhaps our second mistake of the evening. Flour, red food dye - oh looks to pink, we need to make it darker let's add coffee - nope still needs to be darker - how about soy sauce - genius. The colour was right - the mixture however had become insanely sticky and fricken reeked!

To help me forget my dress woes B made me this drink - I can't remember what she calls it but it's red wine and cola, it gets you drunk quickly and you don't get a hangover from it, it's genius and we drank copious amounts whilst doing our outfits and makeup. B has all kinds of special makeup and did all my prosthetics, I had to wear this bit of fake skin over the entire right side of my face, I'm short sighted at the best of times but covering up one of my eyes and making my vision poorer is not my best idea.

Once we were all dressed up and ready to go we got in the car and drove to the station, there were a few people dressed up at the station, but none like us, B was an amazing vampire and she was dressed very sexily, her boyfriend looked terrifying and I looked somewhat normal when my hair was covering my face, but when people saw the right side of my face, they'd stop and gape, completely freaked out - it was fun to watch all the double takes.
We got some looks on the train which was only to be expected and was quite frankly really funny.

Once we arrived in London we got on the underground where we got more looks and we headed to Camden - it's where all the cool kids go don't you know? :P

We sat down and I see this group of tourists sitting opposite, and this little creepy dude gets his phone out and starts snapping shots-  I felt really, really uncomfortable, but also a bit like a celebrity :D I am after all a showoff by nature.

We get off at Camden and are ambushed by people thrusting fliers at us, we take a few, but we know where we're going - there's a ball going on at KoKos, I went there for a 3Oh!3 concert so I know it's a cool venue and how to get there, we make our way, B and her fella holding on to me because with only one eye my depth perception is WAY off.

We get to the club and the line to get in is INSANE I didn't want to waste all evening outside in the freezing cold, so we traipsed back and go to one of the pubs to get a drink and ponder where to go.

Everyone in the pub turns to look at us, but we stand in the corner drinking and chatting, a group of men walk past us and one of the guys gets all up in my face and starts talking about my makeup, I don't speak idiot so I had no idea what the hell he was going on about, I just gave him the ol' raised eyebrows, smile and nod, that you have to give to simpletons to make them go away.

We decided after a while to head to the Electric Ballroom - which is fine by me, because it is AWESOME there, a fantastic venue with great music and a good atmosphere and not too expensive.

We had a little banter with the staff - possibly too much because the woman doing the patting down, seemed to spend a little too much time checking the girls, I almost told her she had to buy me dinner first.

We get in, get some drinks head out to the dance floor and who should we run in to? The weirdo from the tube! yay and who else - the simpleton from the bar! It was like a freakshow reunion, I was oh so happy.

We all had fun dancing and drinking and I happened to set my eye on a very good looking man, however, without full use of both of my eyes my flirting was rendered useless and he left without me getting to molest him. Unfortunate. All was not lost however because the lovely barman supplied me with a free drink.

When we left the club, we didn't take in to account that the tube shuts at a certain hour and we had to get halfway across London. B's fella decides to get some KFC and we wait outside for him and we strike up some conversation with a sweet Italian boy. After a little banter we're on our way again and head to a bus stop, only none of us know where we're going and we're all a little too drunk to be dealing with timetables. I let B and her fella ponder about which bus we need to get and I slump down on the bus stop bench, wishing I could just teleport home already 'cause I am exhausted when this very sweet 'vintage topshop range' girl asks if I'm ok. I look up to tell her that I'm fine - forgetting about my horror makeup until she shrieks and draws the attention of everyone. I mumble an apology for scaring her but inside am fighting the hysteria of how funny her reaction was.

We decided to walk, once more my depth perception is very much in question and our directional skills are slim to none, however after a long, long walk we miraculously arrive at the station - only to find it closed because of engineering works. It's now 3am, the station won't reopen til 6 or 7 and I don't want to be hanging around for that long. We walk over to the other station hoping that a train will be there for us, as I'm walking I decide now would be a fantastic time to take the prosthetics off - along with half of my skin because the glue needs to be soaked with a dissolving liquid. I am then struck blind when I lose my retina thanks to the bright station light.

We find a train and get on, but there is no information posted and we worry it's the wrong train, so we get off the train walk down the platform - feet killing us at this time, especially B who is in high-heeled boots, we find out it is in fact the correct train and have to walk all the way back to get on it.

We gratefully sink in to our seats, it's a nearly empty carriage, one other man in it, and we're in a booth with three seats and next to a heater, it's bliss. Our train doesn't leave for an hour but I don't even care, I'm sitting and I'm warm. I'm just starting to drift off to sleep when the man in the carriage does the most hideous loud hacking wet cough and snort. It turns my stomach, but I let it go and try to relax. He does it again. I sigh and mutter, B's fella thinks it's gross too, but we try to relax. He does it again.

"I'm out." I said and get up before I decide to smack him in the head for being vile and leave the carriage.
We sit in another carriage, B and her fella next to her and me across the aisle from them.
It's peaceful for about 15 minutes until a group of chavs get on and sit right by us. At the time I was worried we'd have constant harassment, but they were actually ok, gobby and stupid but not abusive, and so I relaxed.
Just as the train started to move, another man walks into the carriage and sits opposite me - I hate it when people do that, there's a train filled with empty seats but you sit right by me freakshow - awesome.
I ignored him and kept my eyes closed, just trying to relax and will the journey away, as we start to approach our stop I open my eyes and see B and her fella staring at me - a little disconcerting.

"Are we near our stop?" I ask and B looks at me very seriously, which it turn, makes me feel more serious.
"Yeah, come here." She motions me over and so I go sit with them. At our stop the creepy guy from near me gets off first and B glares daggers at him.

"What? What's up?" I ask as we get off the train.

"He was acting weirdly, and he kept staring at your legs." B said obviously furious.

And this is why I love her. If I'd been on the train by myself that guy would have creeped me out. But I was on the train with her and her fella, and I was wearing leggings under my dress. He hadn't tried to talk to me or touch me. He could look all he wanted, but B was being protective of me and I think that's really sweet.

We walked tiredly out of the station (none of us had purchased tickets and we'd gotten away with it - tiny lawbreaking offenses really give you a buzz) and we got a cab to the house, when we walked in we all looked like zombies, we grunted out a night and I collapsed in to bed, completely spent from the best Halloween I have ever had.

Adventures in London Town

I have had like the best day ever today, it has been filled with fun, frolics, spending and laughing. So I thought that I would share my magical day with you fine people out there... I hope that you enjoy...

Adventures in London Town.

Days like today are awesome, that is a fact. I only hope that you fine people have days like I have had. If not I am very sad for you. Come hang out with me, craziness is bound to occur.

Tinkerbell (My sister) and I have been wanting to go to London together for a while now, and she has every Wednesday off of college and I have 2 weeks off work so we decided that we would go explore London together and buy Christmas presents whilst we were there.

Our day starts with an alarm, an alarm that reluctantly drags me from my peaceful slumber. I was extremely cheesed and did not want to get out of my nice warm bed, but I have been looking forward to my day with Tink for ages so drag myself out of bed I do.

Now we set ourselves a time of nine to be out of the house, but Tink and I take forever as usual to get ready and we're running 20 minutes late. Which is very typical behaviour from us.

We get in to town and rush for our train, the train is as usual packed to full capacity. Full trains really annoy me, it's a stupid pet peeve but there it is.

Tink sits in front of me and we share my ipod and read our magazines, chatting easily, and the hour and a half passes quite quickly, when we get to London we push through the hordes of people and then the arctic wind hits us.

The first thing that we do is head to the underground and purchase our train tickets. One machine has no queue so I go to that and am in the middle of purchasing our tickets when an older gentleman leans in and jabs Tink with his finger "That machine is broken." He says, but it's working so I ignore him and continue with my purchase, sure enough however the card part of the machine is broken so I get in the queue for the working machine. Telling the people queuing behind me that the machine is broken. But like me before them, they ignored me and the cycle continued. English people are idiots. I am one of them.

However foreign people are idiots too, as proven by the delightful woman ahead of me in line, who brazenly ignores the massive "CARD ONLY" signs and tries to put her five pound note into the credit card slot. After several failed attempts she turns to me and asks for help. I tell her that she can't use cash and that it's card only. She doesn't understand. I point to the sign that says "CARD ONLY" and she doesn't understand. I was somewhat tempted to get out my credit card and show her, however I am worried she will think that I am offering to buy her ticket, so my card stays in my purse. After repeating myself ten more times in slow, loud (because you know that if you say something louder it's easier to understand) basic English she gets it and gets the hell out of the line - halle-bloody-lujiah.

I finally purchase our tickets and we head off to Camden Town.

Camden is my favourite place in London. It's where all the cool kids hang out. It's filled with rockers and scene kids and all the 'hipsters' and they have awesome market stalls where you have to haggle. I have so much fun haggling.

Tink and I go in and are just browsing and we get sleazy market traders saying what pretty ladies we are, and that they'll give us a good price as we're pretty ladies - ha! One asks if Tink and I are sisters which we confirm that yes, we are. He then asks which is the older sister. Tink isn't impressed and I am chuffed, I'm pretty sure he's just flattering me to get a sale.

He then asks how old we are, when I tell him that I am 26 he is genuinely shocked, which does wonders for the ego, and then he tells me he was sure I was 17/18. Now I fear he is taking the piss, that or my Oil of Olay is working wonders.

However his flattery gets him nowhere and we leave without purchasing anything.

As we're wondering around, I am in my own little world, as usual and Tink gets all excited.

"OH my god! it's that guy from Big Brother." Big Brother is a show we were obsessed with in my house we saw it all the time, so I was quite excited by this news and whipped my head around so fast I gave myself whiplash.

"What?! Who?!" I ask, my eyes scanning the crowds of people.

"The good looking one." Tink says desperately.

"John James?" I ask frantically, he was very goodlooking, a bit of a knob-head but a very attractive one.

"Yes!" Tink screeches.

"Where?" I ask, and she gestures to three men walking away.

I was on the scent like a bloodhound, I think I would make an excellent member of the paparazzi I was all over him like a rash. I power walked until I was at a level with him, and I heard his Australian accent, I power walk harder and overtake him, glancing back and ascertain that yes, it is in fact John James, we stalk him until he ducks in to a shop, possibly to avoid us, and because he's only a Z list celeb, I give up. Had it been Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, or Kellan Lutz, I wouldn't have given up until they had been sexually molested in some way by me.

Tink and I shop for hours, before deciding to head to Piccadilly and do some more Celeb spotting if possible.

We get as far as Leicester Square before feeling like we were going to keel over and die from the cold, so we go into the fine dining establishment of McDonald's, where we grab a quick bite to eat, thaw out a little and then carry on, knowing we have at least four hours to kill before we can go home.

We spend hours window shopping, and see tons and tons of things that we want to buy ourselves, which is not helpful when you are looking to buy Christmas presents for other people, we're putting off going back in to the cold, but know that it is inevitable.

So I decided to get us a hot chocolate and suggest a walk beside the Thames. We go to Starbucks, get a small hot chocolate, then we stand at the small bar and add the sugar and chocolate powder.

"Would you like sugar?" I ask Tink.

"Yes please." She replies and as I pour sugar in she says quick as a whip.

"I want sugar not diabetes." I let out the loudest bark of shocked laughter, before clapping my hand over my mouth to suppress my loud laugh.

That's the thing with Tink, she is unbelievably hilarious and quick witted, and she always keeps me on my toes.

We go out and walk miles, we get lost about three times before I realise that we've walked in the wrong direction. As we're walking down the pavement, we see a business man, walking aggressively - you know the type, the ones who have finished work and want to get home as quickly as possible, the ones who hate every single person that get in their way.
Well mr. business man walks around a group and then things go wrong, he stumbles, and in slow motion he goes down, twisting as he falls as if he's unsuccessfully trying to do a para-roll. His laptop case smacks down, he falls harder, the sound of his skin scraping the pavement is loud in the London night. People stop and stare at him, as if they want to offer him help, but won't unless he's really hurt. He get's up pretty quickly, picks up his case and walks away. As soon as he's out of earshot, I am lost. The giggles consume myself and Tink as well, we're laughing hysterically, clutching our sides. I am having trouble breathing when Tink gasps out. "Did you see how he rolled into a fetal position?" and I laugh harder. Impossibly harder. I am sobbing, no sound is coming from my mouth. I gasp in a breath and a loud cackle fills the air. The walkway is busy so we can't stop, and I am walking and laughing, so is Tink, we're walking blind. I manage to walk for three blocks laughing all the while. People are looking at me like I'm crazy. And I guess I am a little but I can't help myself. There is something so inherently funny about people hurting themselves. Not seriously of course. But minor injuries are always just so, so funny. Karma will find a way of repaying me, but I'm still laughing as I recall this story to type it up.

The rest of our trip is a total success we laugh some more, take some pretty pictures of London at night (it's very pretty seeing all the lights), there's a Christmas Market that we visit. We have to run for our train when we get to the station as there's only four minutes until the train leaves, we manage to get on the train with no problems, which I am VERY grateful for. And Tink and I recall the poor falling man again and we both laugh until we are crying, earning odd looks from the other passengers.

All in all, a fantastic adventure with my best friend.

Birthday Madness.

This little memory tidbit was inspired when I found some pictures on facebook from my birthday party. I have had the laziest Sunday in the history of the world, and I have LOVED it, I'm going to very much enjoy my 2 weeks off...

Birthday Madness

For all my life I have enjoyed birthdays - it's because I am selfish and like presents, so a day where all the focus is on me, when I receive cards and presents and perhaps most importantly - cake - is a day that rocks for me.

One of my youngest memories was a big party that my mum and dad threw for me, I'm not sure of my age, I just remember having a bouncy castle and playing pass the parcel. I also remember having a massive hissy fit when the parcel never stopped on me. I was a massive brat.

I also remember going to one of my classmates Edward's parties - his parties were always fancy dress, and my mum used to get me the most beautiful costumes. Once I was Mary (the one who had a little lamb) I had a beautiful long pink dress with white lace trim and a little pink bonnet and I even had the sheperds crook. I loved that dress so much I wanted to keep it, I was heart broken when we had to return it to the costume rental.

The next year I had the cutest ladybug costume, red leotard, with wings that attached to my wrists. I looked so cute! I'd like to wear an adult version of that costume now!

My love to dress up has followed me into my adult life. I've always been a drama queen and I have always wanted to be an actress and love getting in to character, so dressing up is always fun for me.

First up was my 21st birthday, I wanted to have a party, and decided that the theme was going to be Vampire. Because I love Vampires, and all things gothic. My favourite band at the time was Evanescence and I desperately wanted to look like Amy Lee (I've always been a dreamer - ha!) I braided my hair in to lots of tiny plaits, left it in all day then took it out in the evening, my hair was mahoosive, but to make it a little bigger I backcombed it to massive proportions. I made my own outfit and put in fangs, I loved it. My best friend brought me a pink cowboy hat, which I loved and in all my drunken glory plopped it on top of my massive hair, it seemed to ruin the look somewhat but I was far too gone to even care. That birthday went by in a very drunken haze.

A few months later and it was my best friends 21st, and she decided on dress up too, she is just like me. Her theme was dark Alice in Wonderland.

This was genius, she went as - of course Alice.

I decided to go as the cheshire cat.

I braided my hair once more wanting a big lion mane type 'do. I made bright pink furry arm guantlets, matching leg warmers and a black skirt, and a black and pink top. I also had a full face mask of a pink cat.

The night was so fun, so many people dressed up and we saw some completely original ideas, like my friend Kaz she wore a pretty dress but had earrings and a choker that she made herself, they held packets of jam. She was a 'Jam tart' and she had a tag that said Eat me. As much as I loved my outfit, I was suddenly very jealous of her genius.

That night saw me getting very drunk - shocking I realise. And whilst on the dancefloor I decided to show-off once more. I had done performing arts at college and one of the things I had to do was dance, and we had to be able to do the splits, I could never quite do it, but I could stretch one of my legs above my head, so I decided to show everyone just how flexible I was.

However i hadn't done dance for several months, and absolutely no stretching, so I asked for my friend Paul's help, he grabbed my leg and hoisted it up very high, everyone was suitably impressed. And the night went on.

However the next day I realised, when sobriety hit, that I was in agony, having pulled all of the muscles in my leg, and I had to go around on crutches, when I hobbled in to work everyone mocked me...

The next birthday dress up was my 23rd birthday when I threw a party, the theme was 'Welcome to the dolls house'.

I dressed as a living dead doll, kind of zombie dolls, I made my own costume, wore fire contact lenses and tons of makeup. I once more got drunk beyond all belief, probably the most drunk I have ever gotten in my life.

It was a very stressful time organising my own party, the dj dropped out the night before my party and I had to find another one at short notice. So when my party actually rolled around and I was finally able to let loose, I did. Big time.

All my friends looked awesome, and 2 of them put so much effort in, they came as transformers, they looked awesome.

Most of my friends bought me drinks, so I had a steady stream of alcohol in my system.

My group of close male friends decided to have some fun and started a wrestling match, I was watching and cheering it on, when I got dragged down into a massive bundle. Trying to keep my dignity intact, what dignity I hear you cry-  shut up. I crawl out and find a couple of pound coins on the floor. Crying out triumphantly I scoop the money up and tuck it straight into my bra.

The rest of the evening is spent dancing, then comes my drunken classy big finish. I grab the DJ mike, ask for MyChemical Romance to be played. Then in drunken glory I bellow out Teenagers at the top of my lungs as If I'm a rockstar headlining my own concert.

If that isn't embarrassing enough, doing this in front of my close personal friends, but I decide to start jumping, right by the decs and cause the music to skip. Mortifying.

SO I left it 3 years before attempting another costume party, my 26th, based on comic book style. I wore shiny leggings, a gorgeous little dress and a bright hot pink wig and over the top makeup like a mask. A lot of my friends didn't dress up,but I still had a blast.

I had a hotpink watergun that I filled with vodka, and everyones initiation was that they had to drink from the gun as I squirt it in their mouths. All very well until I squirted vodka down my own throat and choked. Nothing more attractive than a constant splutter and hack. mmm sexy.

I can't wait until the next costume party...

Tales from a summer camp - Directors Tales.

There are so many stories from camp, so many hilarious things to share, but some of them are personal, some are stories that no-one else would find hilarious but the people that were there, some are things that aren't for me to share. They are things that I will always treasure.

But here are a collection of some of my favourite little anecdotes, the last for now, of my camp memories. And hey - go to www.badgercamp.org and make a donation - or better yet tune in to the telethon. xxx

What's a douche?

Camp Directors had the most fun, that is just a true story, we had a blast, we worked very hard, but there again so did everyone at camp, and we were a small bonded group.

One of my funniest moments was in the kitchen. Ben - who was the camping and fishing director and one of the camp 'dreamboats' ;-) he, MAC and I were very good friends and we always seemed to have a giggle wherever we were.

This night we're in the kitchen cleaning up after one of our campfires, we were just finishing up and Ben said something to wind me up - as usual - so I went back to my usual witty retort of "Douche bag" Yes I am trying to make a living using my words - you wouldn't think so would you?

Ben looked at me and asked.

"What IS a douche?" He asked so earnestly, however with Ben, he is very hard to read, he is incredibly dry witted and sarcastic.

MAC and I turn to look at each other, both willing the other one to PLEASE take this one.

MAC refuses so I decide to man up and explain it.

"Well, um it's a device for cleaning. Urm, well it's for feminine hygiene, it cleans, urm, you know." I eloquently explained it.

Ben ponders on this for a moment, before turning to us.

"So do you guys have one?" He asks curiously.

MAC and I both turn a bright shade of red and crack up.

As I say "No!" MAC says "That's personal." Which causes me to crack up harder.

I'm choking for breath, my face has gone puce, my eyes are streaming tears, I'm one step away from snorting, when Ben looks at us with a look akin to disgust.

"Ew, you guys are dirty." He says. And I'm done.

MAC and I are hunched, gasping and squealing out peals of laughter, holding our arms around our middles and cackling like witches.

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Do you know what a cupcake is?

Every Sunday we had new campers, it was always a hectic and yet fun time, and we have jobs handed out. MAC and I tried to get our jobs to co-incide, we would either set up the campfire or cook the cakecones. They were cakes baked in ice cream cones. They were then covered in frosting, they looked like little ice cream cones. Every one liked them - except for me. Blargh, they were far too sweet.

One evening after the campfire was done and the campers had returned to the main camp it was left up to us directors to tidy up.

As we were packing away the goodies Katie makes a reference to cupcakes and I start to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Katie asked looking confused.

I smirk at her, giggling like a naughty child with a secret.

"Do you know what a cupcake is in England?" I ask slyly.

"The same thing it is in America?" Katie said.

"Well yeah, but it's also something else." I say snorting.

"What?" Katie asked obviously intrigued.

I lean forward as if to share a secret, Katie leans in along with the others, all eager to hear my little secret.

Disclaimer: I just want to use this moment to clarify, that I found this information from my brother.

"It's when someone farts into their cupped hands and makes someone else smell it." I say gleefully and burst in to delighted if a little maniacal giggles.

All the other directors stand in shock for a beat or three before Katie follows me in to gales of laughter. For the remainder of the night she kept up her British accent asking "Would anyone like a cupcake!"

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Someone Pee on the Fire.

At another one of our marvellous campfire evenings, we were cleaning away the mess and having our usual banter and chats, once the last of the beanbags were put into the van we go to put out the fire, when Ben curses.

"I forgot the fire water!" He says in annoyance.

The fire water is what we use to douse the fire pit, so as to not destroy all the woodland in a massive forest fire. It's a handy thing to remember.

Ben didn't want to have to go all the way back to camp to get the water and then come back and douse the flames, so he goes hunting for something to use to douse the fire. When he runs out of ideas he comes up with this little gem.

"One of you guys - pee on the fire."

We all look at him in disbelief.

"Ben with all due respect  I am not about to go hover over a fire. You're the one with the hose mate, off you go." I wink and all the girls cackle away.

And away Ben went... To get the fire water. Wuss. ;)

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Call me Cobra.

Another fun thing we did was our Wednesday night Olympics, where we would start off with a barbecue, and one of us had to be in charge of grilling. Grilling out was actually one of my favourite things to do. Especially grilling burgers.

We had 2 massive propane flame grills, and it was fun to turn the burgers and watch the flames shoot up, I'm a bit of a pyromaniac.

I liked the solitude, you didn't get much 'alone' time at camp, and that never really bothered me, but sometimes it was nice to have a moment to yourself.

I'd almost finished when Katie came over to have a little chat, unfortunately she distracted me, and I dropped one of the hamburgers, I used the tongs to try and get it and as I reached in, I as usual, wasn't paying any attention and reached too far and burned my hand, I shot my hand out quickly but the burger was still there, I was determined not to waste it so with a couple of quick jerky hand movements I was victorious and had earned not only Katie's respect but also the nickname -Cobra.

I strike like lightning, it's frightening.

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Banana Pudding Pop Battle

One time our evening snack was pudding pops, easy to make and delicious, you use a type of pudding (custard) and the flavour we had was Banana, you then freeze it in plastic cups with a lolly pop stick and voila once frozen a delicious iced treat.

Or it would be if you liked Banana, which I most certainly did not.

We had a few left over and MAC, Ben and I were cleaning up in the kitchen.

I don't remember how it started - I think it was probably Ben - but an epic fight started - with banana pudding pops as our weapon of choice.

Bam! I slapped Ben round the face with the pop, leaving a custard trail on his cheek.

SMACK! He returns with a scoop of melted pop - right to the eye.

As I'm stumbling around the kitchen holding my eye - it burned like a bitch - MAC then picked up the slack and was a machine shooting out tiny little banana bullets. Ben didn't stand a chance.

When all was said and done and the pudding weaponry was all gone, we stood panting, giggling wrecks, covered in pudding, after some quick photographic evidence, we surveyed the mess in front of us.

Being the responsible adults that we were, we cleaned the kitchen thoroughly, and quickly, however we quickly realised the error of our rambunctious ways when we had to all work the night shift, with no chance of our shower, sitting with the stink of banana in our hair and the sticky residue on our skin.

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Are those Leiderhosen?

Rapidly approaching the end of camp, we had one of our last sing-a-longs, the directors had to get dressed in green gear, and walk from room to room waking all the campers and counsellors with loud out of tune singing and banging of instruments.

I woke up late - as usual and stumbled from my bed half asleep. I had laid my clothes out the night before, luckily but I was still the last one ready. I was freezing cold and the only green thing I owned was a pair of shorts and a green vest. I pulled on some leggings first to keep my legs warm and my shorts, and rushed from the room joining the group.

MAC takes one look at me and bursts out laughing. Her laugh is contagious and everyone looks to see what's so funny.

"Are you wearing Leiderhosen?" MAC laughs, and everyone starts laughing.

Luckily I am not what is known as a shrinking violet so I join in with their laughter and then decide to only talk like Uter the German exchange student from The Simpsons.

MAC and I spent the entire time alternating laughing and singing and it made my heart so happy that I wore the 'Leiderhosen' the entire day and even kept them on for our mass 'camp picture' MAC and I are sitting centre and if you look closely (those who have camp pictures) you'll see the now infamous Leiderhosen.

Tales from a summer Camp - 2 Girls 1 Boot

Afternoon all! Today was my scheduled day off, and I did absolutely nothing with it, well except for read, which is always entertaining, but I do need to write more, got one chapter done last night, I'm gonna try for chapter two tonight...but first I want to get another daily dose of memories down, so I have something tangible to read back on...

2 Girls, 1 Boot.

So far I've focused my memories with 2 of my specific best friends, but there were others that I was insanely close to and today's memory focuses on one of those people, Katie.

She was another one of the lifeguards and was also sarcastic, vastly intelligent and witty. It's funny because when I met her, I made the rash decision that I wouldn't like her. I also made that decision with MAC, DonDon, Kate (who will appear later), and a few other people who I won't name because I actually didn't like them. But every single one of the above names became people who I actually cared for deeply over the course of the summer.

All of the female directors and 2 members of the kitchen staff shared a room with adjoining bathroom (which at camp was a little piece of heaven, because mass shared bathrooms are in a word - gross.) In this room there was four bunk beds, and several dressers, we were pretty packed in.

There was MAC on the bottom bunk, me on the top bunk (Which was the bane of my existence) I didn't like having to take my life in my hands every day clambering up a wooden ladder. There was also a number of times, when by the end of the day I was so exhausted, climbing up to bed was a chore that could literally make me want to burst in to tears. And climbing down in the morning, when I was still half asleep was particularly hazardous, I had no motor skills at all, and I had to crawl backwards, find where to put my feet before hoping my asleep muscles could keep me from falling backwards.

Katie knew my pain because she too was on the top bunk on the other side of the room.

It was some time towards the middle of camp when Katie and I were in the room alone, I imagine it was probably a Saturday night as we were relaxing and not working, we'd been shopping in the mall earlier that day when I had, had the time of my life, finally getting to go to my favourite shop in the world - Hot Topic.

I had spent $200 dollars in that shop, I bought skirts, shirts and the sexiest pair of knee-high boots.

It was back in our room and I was attempting to put away my purchases and Katie and I were chatting, I sat on MACs bed putting my new gorgeous boots on, they were knee-high platforms that had laces at the front and zips on the side.

Now everyone needs to bear in mind here, that I was a good deal bigger then than I am now, which is the only reason I am happily sharing with you this humiliation.

I put the boots on and zip them up, managing to zip the flesh of my chubby calves into my boot, I yelped and then proceeded to carefully put the other boot on, only to have the zip split because the flesh of my calves was too vast to be fitted in to the boot.

"Crap, crap, crap, crap." I curse, drawing Katie's attention to me. She comes over and we laugh (well I die a little inside) and as a joint effort we manage to get the zip down a little ways.

However I now had a stuck fast zip that would go neither up nor down and a boot that was stuck.

Katie grabs my ankle and starts heaving, almost dragging me off the bed, the girl is freakishly strong for such a small thing. I'm holding on to the bed frame, Katie is heaving with all of her might, trying to free my cankles from the beautiful boot.

After a mighty ten minute struggle and one almighty heave, my foot is finally free, and Katie and I are both panting from exertion, I can only imagine what we must have looked like, sweaty, panting - it's the stuff rumours are made from.

I got up and walked into the toilet, after having almost wet myself from laughing. And as I am going about my business Katie starts talking to me through the door. Now I'm not shy, and lord knows at camp privacy becomes a thing of the past, so we're chatting and when I'm done Katie goes in to the loo and we're chatting.

I hear the toilet flush a couple of times and then Katie rushes out of the door at looks at me, panic clear in her eyes.

"Carla, I need to go find the plunger - guard the toilet!" Katie says and runs from the room.

Only at camp does unreliable plumbing make for classic entertainment.

Tales from a Summer Camp - The Trip to Town.

Morning all! I woke up to the AMAZING news that due to the mental snowfall of last night that work has been closed - I get paid to sit at home and write, it's almost as if I'm a professional author. ;) Wherever you are today, I hope that you're having a wonderful snow day, if you don't have snow, just have a wonderful day xxx

DonDon and Me - The Trip to Town.

So we're past the halfway mark of camp now, we had just finished a rather gruelling 2 week session. Camp was gruelling, you'd wake up at 7, get campers up and ready and start the day, you'd work through to at least 11 (If you were on night watch you'd be working up til 2am) and because you were working hard you were tired out by the end of every day, but even though it was the hardest job I have ever, ever done, it was definitely the most rewarding and the best.

At the end of 2 week the campers had gone home and the camp had been cleaned and we were left with a bunch of grimy, tired counsellors, and we all congregated on the balcony outside of Cedar Hall, because it was time for the Iron Gut competition.

6 people, 3 guys, 3 girls stood at a table where an array of hideous food in front of them, the aim of the game was to eat the disgusting food, run down hill, around a tree, back up the hill and eat the next dish.

I stood with MAC and the rest of my friends, watching and I'll be honest heckling - cause that's what I do. I'm shouting abuse at my friends competing and the rest of us are just killing ourselves laughing, and as they're playing the storm that's been threatening rolls in and it starts rumbling ominously. I don't want to get wet so I start heckling harder, hoping to get them to hurry up.

DonDon is participating so I focus most of my abuse on him, sadly it doesn't motivate him and he loses.

One of the girls couldn't take any more and she runs  over to the dustbin and throws up, we all jeer and cover our eyes, then her hurling sets off one of the guys, and she won't get out of the way and he gets so close to throwing up on her head that it caused all of us to lose it, big time. We're all laughing so hard we're crying and one of the guys finishes up as champion and then the majority of the staff go home as we had a lot of time off and they were making the most of it.

DonDon, Myself and my English chums had no plans so we decided to all go to Madison the capital of Wisconsin for the weekend and have a little adventure. We were going to head off the next day and so we decided to relax seeing as the storm was starting to roll in and we knew we'd all spend time in Cedar Hall watching movies.

DonDon had his truck with him and wanted to go shopping, so I said I'd go with him and everyone made a list of what they wanted.

DonDon and I drove in to town and our first stop was the piggly wiggly (true name love it) and we're getting everyones shopping, walking round the aisles slowly and chatting and laughing, he said something to tease me and I called him a 'douche' which was my word of choice and then DonDon points at something on the shelf and busts out laughing.

There on the shelf was a ladies Douche Bag - if you don't know what it is google it, this is a family show ;-) Now we don't have Douches in England - that I know of. It's a completely hilarious thing to me and so DonDon and I are cracking up, getting weird looks from everyone in the store, and DonDon turns to me.

"Buy it!"

I look at him like he's crazy.

"No."

He looks at me pleadingly.

"Go on buy it, it'll be hilarious."

I sighed, it would be funny, but I'm British, there's a certain part of me that's very uptight.

"NO! They'll think it's for me." I whine.

"Fine I'll buy it." DonDon complains.

"NO! They'll think it's for me, that's so weird!" I shriek playfully and as we're arguing - something we do with frequency - a woman comes over and picks up a douche and walks away. DonDon and I fall silent, look at each other and then start giggling like school children.

We hastily leave the Piggly Wiggly before we're thrown out and go to our next stop, the pizza place.

We order at the drive-thru and then park up whilst we wait for our order to be completed, we're chatting and laughing when I suddenly spot something and gasp.

"OH MY GOD! Don! It's a Monkey!" I screech and point out towards the little capuchin monkey scampering across the lot. I knew Wisconsin had varied wildlife, I'd seen enough of it, but a monkey?

"Carla, that's a cat." DonDon said with no emotion.

I blushed bright red whilst DonDon laughed his ass off and I scowled muttering about the fact that I didn't have my glasses on.

We'd only meant to have been gone for an hour at most, but we rocked up after about two, still laughing about the fun we'd had doing a simple errand run. And the memories of that day will always be right up there with top moments that I'd had at camp and solidifies the reason that DonDon is my best male friend.

Tales from a summer camp.

So in the summer of 2008 I had the best time of my life, I got a job in America working in a special needs camp. Wisconsin Badger Camp shaped my life and gave me some of the best memories of my life. I will be sharing with you some of my precious memories from that time in my life...

The Shovel Dive (Karma 1)

I had been at camp for a couple of weeks, I was away from my friends and family back home but my camp friends became family too, it sounds kinda hokey but it's true we shared a really deep bond, when you live 24/7 with a group, when you're all away from home you bond quickly and I loved my group.

My female best friend was MAC, she is the funniest, most sarcastic person I have ever met.

My male best friend was DonDon, who is also funny and sarcastic. I love the two of them with all of my heart.

We were always hanging out with each other, wherever one was, the others weren't far behind.

The morning dawned bright and clear, the weather was as always beautiful. One such morning after breakfast everyone went out in their groups to the main lawn to head to their activities and I was off to my activity.

I was Nature Activity Director and this morning I was leading a 'worm digging' activity where my group would dig in mud for worms to use for their fishing trip in the afternoon.

I walk down to the barn and grab three big shovels and as I stumble across the lawn I see DonDon over one side with his group, and MAC was in the pool (she was a lifeguard) as I'm walking closer to my group my foot went into a hidden hole in the ground, as my ankle twisted painfully I stumbled forwards and the momentum carried me faster and faster until I was into that hideous 'stumble run' then gravity came into play and I pitched heavily forwards, with the three shovels in my hands I couldn't save myself and I slammed in to the ground heavily, knocking the wind out of myself.

I lay still trying to get my breath when I hear it. Slow sarcastic handclapping from DonDon and jeering cheers from MAC. When you have friends like that, who needs enemies?

Disco Fever (Karma 2)

A few weeks pass and my friendship with MAC and DonDon deepens and MAC and I are chosen to be DJs at one of our Badger Balls (A party Camp threw for campers every week) This weeks theme had MAC and I dressed as mermaids. We had our delicious meal and then MAC and I ran out to get the DJ set out as our party was always outside in the glorious Wisconsin weather.

The DJ set was massive but it had wheels, the cabinet was held shut with a bungee cord and we struggled to maneuver it out of the cabin and on to the lawn.

As we were wiggling it through the tight fit of the doorway the plastic of the bungee cord got caught on the frame and snapped, the bungee cord whipped around my body, it hurt so badly I screamed my head off. I started cursing at the top of my lungs and Beth had to drag me in to the office, she whipped up my shirt and saw the long red welt that covered my waist. Beth was nothing but sweet checking to see if I was going to be ok.

MAC on the other hand was killing herself laughing. Again.

Shopping for Peter...

As I mentioned already it was my dad's birthday yesterday, but the shopping for his presents was where the real story begins.
My sister and I took to the town to find him a present, my dad is the most impossible man in the world to buy for, possibly not if i had unlimited funds, then I'd send him off to vegas, buy him a car etc. But I don't have unlimited funds, and he's a pain in the arse to buy for.

My sister and I went from shop to shop, discarding item after item and laughing at some of the more inappropriate choices.

The first place we buy our presents is Hawkings Bizarre because they sell the best joke presents, dad has the same sense of humor as me, so the novelty gifts are easy to buy.

I start off with novelty joke toilet paper, that cracks me up (excuse the pun) and I know that dad will appreciate it.

I also get him some grumpy old git mints - charming aren't I?

So then we're browsing around and I'm looking at the innappropriate 'adult' themed gifts and my sister is standing beside me looking like she wants the ground to swallow her up, she's very innocent, she doesn't swear, isn't vulgar, you see I am enough of those things for the both of us.

I see a male and female blow up doll, they are bath pillows basically with arms, the one for women is a blow up doll called 'soapy Steve' my dad's name is Steve, so naturally I decide to get him that one.

Now to me, this is comedy gold, I'm chuckling away with my naughty Homer Simpson-esque giggle and my sister is rolling her eyes good naturedly at me.

"Should I definately get him this, or should I get him the girlie one?" I ask my sister picking up the girlie blow up doll.

"Oh look! She has a cup holder though!" I exclaim loudly gesturing to the hole in her small blow up hand.

My innocent little sister, who is not vulgar, nor crass looks at me with a look akin to pity and says quietly "That's not a cup holder."

I look at her.

"What is it then?" I ask with wide-eyed innocence before the ugly truth dawns and my laugh builds from somewhere near my toes and then bellows out in shocked hilarity.

My sister and I are swept away on the tide of pure comedy gold and I couldn't get myself together, I had tears streaming down my face, I started wheezing loudly, people started looking at us but we were too far gone to calm down.

I will always remember fondly the day that my sister had to clear up what a blow up toy was intended for...

Life, Death and Cake.

Today is bittersweet in a sense for me. It is my dad's birthday and I love birthday celebrations they make my heart happy.
However I also woke up to the news that Leslie Nielson passed away. There was something about his twinkling eyes that made him seem approachable, he was like a grandfather type, gentle, happy and safe. I am very sad to hear of his passing and have realised the world is a far less sparkling place without him in it.

However on to happier topics, even though I'm in a slightly mopey mood.

Thankfully during moments like these I have my family to cheer me up, no matter what's going on in my life they can always make me crack up, my favourite story happened a few months ago, with me, my mum and my sister. It's what's affectionately known as NUTELLA GATE

I'd recently moved back home and was trying to fit back in to the swing of things, it's a very difficult thing to do when you've had your own house, your own schedule and your own space, so one Sunday evening my mum goes up to have a shower, she comes down with her hair all styled and we all go in to the kitchen to make a snack. I decide that I really fancy Nutella on toast. If you've never had Nutella then you've missed out I tell you, it's chocolate spread with hazelnut. It tastes like the chocolate you get in a ferrero roche. It's delicious!!!

But my mum is a freak of nature, she loves ferrero roche, but she hates Nutella - madness.

We're all mucking around in the kitchen when mum starts the fight by splashing water at me, so I playfully push the piece of bread with nutella in to her face, it hit her on the nose and we laughed a lot. However I'll be honest, I, as usual took it a step too far.

I pushed the piece of bread right into her face, and she went mental. I may be a grown woman, but you know the look that mum's give you, well she gave me the mum look and made me cower. As scary as 'The Look' was though, the situation was too funny.

You know when something makes you laugh, but you shouldn't, you really, really shouldn't? Well that situation was upon me. I was completely hysterical and she was FUMING! Mum walked out of the kitchen in a full rage and walked up to her room slamming the door. In our house, that's a proper sign that shit's about to go down.

I turn to look at my sister and she looked and me and for a beat of about three seconds we stood still, not even daring to breathe, then almost at the same time we cracked up, but it was the silent - for the love of god don't piss her off more - type of laughter.

I was doing a whispering laugh, holding my sides and trying to force air into my lungs and not do my hugely loud laugh.

I know that I have to get myself together and soon, otherwise I will make things, much, much worse and I know I have to go and apologise, but I can't until I get myself back together because I'm pretty sure mum will take a swing at me.

So just as I think I've gotten myself together, my sister looks over at me and says "Did you see you got it on her tooth?" And that was it. I was done. I was laughing so loudly and hysterically I knew mum was going to kill me. I couldn't even apologise because It wouldn't be genuine, not at all, I didn't regret any of it. So I did what any brave grownup would do. I sent her a text message.

Luckily for me, three seconds later mum appeared to see the funny side and we laughed for a long time over it.

Gym Bunny

I have decided since dropping 2 dress sizes that I do in fact LOVE shopping for clothes, but because I also LOVE eating Gregg's doughnuts WAY too much for my own good that I should do the unthinkable and actually join a proper gym. *gulp*

I've never joined a proper gym before, just toyed around with the idea of going to a naff little gym - you know the ones with only like three pieces of equipment and no-one goes to them, those ones. I never really wanted to go to a swanky gym filled with buff people working out in slow motion and glistening with a sexy sweat sheen. Because I would ruin that, I'd be there huffing and puffing, face all beet red and attractive, sweat pouring from every pore as I lumber into something resembling a wobbly run. Hideous.

However seeing as I'm now starting to resemble someone with actual fitness skills, I thought why not? And joined a rather exclusive gym, because I've got more money than sense apparently.

I was still slightly apprehensive about heading to this establishment of fitness and muscles by myself so my sister decided to come with me as a guest, which was a brilliant move, so I thought.

However I was as usual proven wrong when I got home after a long busy day at work, I put on my gym gear, stretchy running pants (trouser pants, not knickers) which I'm in love with, I'll be honest and a baggy t-shirt belonging to my dad, comfy and kinda cute, especially when teamed with my brand new BRIGHT white trainers. I shove my hair into a messy ponytail and walk out to meet my sister dressed in the type of gym gear a playboy bunny would wear. Low slung cropped sweats, a cute baggy t-shirt tied tightly against her teeny size 8 frame, hanging off her shoulders exposing the strap of her sports bra, her hair in a perfect cute ponytail, and full makeup. I felt like a man in drag next to her. An ugly man in drag. :(

No matter, because one thing about my sister is that she makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, we're on the same wavelength so we walked to the gym, laughing and joking all the way, and quickly get changed before heading in to the gym, trying to act like we belonged there, she made it look easy.

Now whilst my sister may be tiny and beautiful, it turns out, I can take her in a workout, whilst she's strolling on the running machine watching MTV. I'm running my tubby little legs off panting like a bull mastiff. She possibly has the right idea about attracting men at a gym, because after ten minutes she was still immaculate and I was sweating, panting, possibly a nice shade of red, gasping for breath and trying to hold my body weight up on admittedly shaky legs. Just as I'm trying desperately catch my breath a gorgeous muscle-bound Kellan Lutz (I love him) look-a-like comes over to me, smiles winningly whilst reaching for his locker key which was left on the shelf of my treadmill, I wish I could say I smiled beguiling back at him and entranced him with my feminine mystique, but the reality is I think I grimaced an attempt at a smile and went on wheezing.

After that fresh hell we move on to the rowing machine. I hate rowing machines, with a passion.

My sister once again sets up a nice casual pace whilst I go for the burn, after four minutes of frantic rowing, the lactic acid has kicked in and my muscles are screaming at me, I can't breathe, I'm pretty sure my stitch is down to internal bleeding and I'm just waiting to start sweating blood. I'm ready to quit but then I think of all those epic fatties on The Biggest Loser (If you've never seen it I suggest you do, it's AMAZING) and how they can carry on with intense workouts, so I grit my teeth and carry on. Three minutes later and I'm feeling pretty good again, so I'm proud that I hit the wall and plowed on through it.

After ten gruelling minutes, I slow to a stop and pull my feet out of the foot stirrups and as my sister jumps up as spritely as ever I sit completely still and ponder. Because the lactic acid has destroyed my legs and I literally could not stand up. I didn't want to even attempt to get up knowing that if I fell over in the gym I would have a year long membership to pay for knowing that I could never show my face there again.

Eventually I get up and am pleased when I don't immediately stack it.

On to the cross trainer, which is fine, nothing bad happens in the next ten minutes and my legs continue to work which is always a plus.

We then head to the changing rooms, a quick change into our swimwear and then in to the pool we go. Now I'm feeling slightly overdressed because I have one swimsuit and that is a beautiful royal blue bikini with gold ornate buckles, it's my holiday bikini and seems to flashy for a gym pool, but ho-hum that's just how I roll. Yes I realise I can't get away with that.

If I felt self-conscious before next to my tiny sister I felt doubly so in a bikini, I have never sucked in my stomach so much in my life, and walking with your buttocks clenched makes you look like you desperately need the loo, I don't suggest you do it.

In the pool I did more laughing than swimming because my sister has the ability to crack me up in any situation, and when she stubbed her toes on the bottom of the pool then spun around in a circle holding her knee to her chest, I almost drowned laughing so hard.

However when we got into the hot tub to relax I managed to stub my toe - karma some might say - and she then repaid my earlier laughter with raucous chuckles of her own.

Then we decided to go into the steam room before hitting the showers, I love steam rooms, the heat, the eucalyptus, it's all so good. We walk in and there's a couple of ladies and a very muscly man, I'm a sucker for muscles and so I suck in my stomach once again and saunter in, try to sit down lady-like and the loudest fart sound emits when I sit on the stone.

I am beyond mortified, hoping that everyone in the vicinity didn't think that it was my body emitting the sound, luckily the woman next to me pipes up. "There's no lady-like way to sit in here without that embarrassing sound."
As much as that reassures me the damage has been done and I am now too on edge to move into a comfortable position, the man is now looking at me, so I can't relax and let my stomach stick out in any way whatsoever and taking shallow breaths in a steam room is not pleasant, I think I lasted five minutes before hitting the showers.

You may think this is the end of my little story of the day but you would be wrong my friends, we go and get changed, my sister and I taking turns to use the change room, and in walks an older lady, when I say old, I mean old enough to be my grandmother and she walks next to me, and strips stark bollock naked. Well she didn't have bollocks that would be a whole new level of wrong in an already plenty wrong situation.

I am a liberal person, but after a tiring workout I really did not need to be seeing old lady nakedness. So I look everywhere but in her direction, willing my sister to hurry up so I can leave. And I peek in the old ladies direction to see she has trousers and shoes on, so I think the coast is clear, but no, I turn around to see old lady boobage, I think I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

But with that much adventure in one visit, I think I'm going to like this gym malarkey.

Catch up.

Hello everyone, I'm back, I'm not sure you'll find that a good thing or not...

So the world has been a busy place for me, I've changed jobs a couple of time, and have been working on my writing and travelling.

I finally got myself to New Orleans! That was an exciting time for me, New Orleans is the most beautiful place full of character and filled with characters. It wasn't how I imagined it, but it was so truly awesome that it didn't matter.

I imagined it to be have an old fashioned feel with the wail of a bluesy sax filling the spicy air. Anyone who has been to New Orleans will know that the reality is much different. The Beautiful architecture has a run down disrepair look to it, but the beauty is only emphasised, because you know that this place has seen some incredibly tough times and yet it is still standing. The air is permeated with the smell of po-boys, spice, alcohol, cigar smoke and the bitter acrid smell of garbage that's been heated in the insane humidity. It sounds revolting but it really isn't.

We stayed in a hotel on Bourbon Street, when I say we, I don't mean it in the Royal sense, I was staying in New Orleans with my best American chum Molly. I love that girl, we hadn't seen each other in a year and it was a fantastic catchup time for us.

Bourbon Street, is in a word - Phenomenal.

It's filled with tourists milling around, shops filled with mardi gras masks and novelty t-shirts, and sparkling with green, gold and purple beads, bars with women offering "free shots!" and alcoholic slushies. Strip clubs with the women hanging out of the doors trying to entice men in. It's a place that embraces the weird and the wonderful, probably why I felt so at home there.

A typical evening would be Molly and I getting ready, heading out for a quick bite to eat, then we would start at one end of Bourbon Street, there was a gorgeous little gay bar filled with the finest men that New Orleans had to offer, I did a fair bit of window shopping and complaining that the good ones were gay, then after some insanely cheap drinks, we'd take our huge plastic glasses and walk up and down Bourbon Street, because in New Orleans you can drink in the streets.

Groups of men would hang over the balconies of bars above, hands filled with beads that they would throw at women in the hopes for flashes of their 'lovely lady lumps' I flashed my bra a number of times and as Molly and I walked down the street with our necks laden with dozens and dozens of beads a group of ladies stopped us so that they could get a picture with 'the party girls'.

We also would get ushered into bars by big burly men, one such bar was one of my favourites, there was a bar where there were these old guys playing old school rock songs, we were loving it, even more so when they handed out the washboard vests, which you put on your shoulders and then used spoons to play it, it was so white trash and I loved every single second of it!

Our last night was definitely the best, we decided to go to a bar called The Cat's Meow where they had karaoke and Molly and I decided to give it a go. Mol chose the song Sweet Caroline, I'm not a big fan of the song but I was going to be singing by myself later so I let Mol choose the song she wanted to do. She went up to the guy to say what we wanted to sing and he came over to the table, he was absolutely gorgeous, shaved head, warm brown eyes, beautiful smile. He begged us not to sing that song, as he hated it and so Mol and I chose another song. The night was spent flirting openly with him, as I am a natural flirt and so was he. Molly and I had the best time, we met some lovely people and just spent hours laughing, singing, dancing and drinking. At the end of the night I said goodbye to our gorgeous emcee Steve and gave him a cheeky kiss on either cheek, he asked for my facebook which I gave him, and was absolutely shocked when I discovered a friend request from him when I got home (so another friend was made).

Mol and I were so sad that we hadn't been to that club sooner as it was amazing there, but it was a lovely and special way to end our trip in the city of Jazz, debauchery and fun.

The next day I said goodbye to Mol in the airport, she was going home to her state and I was going off to New Jersey for another week. It was really sad saying goodbye to her but really exciting to go to New Jersey because I knew that I was going to see someone very special to me.

I'm scared of flying but the flights went quickly enough and I went by myself to New York City which was an experience, then off to Jersey for the first time. I didn't think much of it, but I was staying in an airport hotel, as I was staying by myself and didn't want to be murdered so went for the safest option.

I didn't have very much money - read none. So I lived in my hotel room, but I had books and the tv so it wasn't all bad, only the living off of vending machine crap sucked. :D

However it was all worth it when on my last day I got to see my American fancy man, he is absolutely gorgeous, the quintessential American man. He was a wrestler in high school, has AMAZING arms, light brown/blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes. He is just the most handsome man I have ever seen. He's also an intelligent and amazing person who is kind and funny, I bonded with him and think the world of him, and am very grateful to have him in my life, I just wish that the ocean wasn't in our way.

The trip was amazing and I had the time of my life, I can't wait to go back and spend more time over there.

So that's the last couple of months in a nutshell. Tomorrow the format will return to normal. ;-)

Bon Voyage Mes Amies!

Humiliation my Faithful Friend

Well heck, I seem to have been away for an awful long time, It's 'cause I had to go without Internet for 2 weeks whilst I was away training, busy, busy times.
I got home to the sad
news that my dog had to be put to sleep, she was 14 and a half years old, she was a sweet old thing and I will miss her very much.

I went to the circus last night with my sister, we had THE most fun, it was epic, but that will probably be featured in another blog, I'm going to carry on with the humiliation stories...

I went to New York City with my performing arts group at college, I was 20 years old at the time, which sucked major balls because it meant that I couldn't drink -gah.

I had a great time when I was there and one day we went ice skating in Central Park, I am not a good skater, that is a true story, I fall over when walking, I can not roller skate anymore so strapping a blade to my foot and pushing me onto some ice is perhaps the worst idea ever.

As my friends joyously frolicked on the ice and children hunkered down like midget missiles ready to take out an ankle, I clung onto the sides and perfected a little move I like to call the ice shuffle, and picked up speeds of at least one mile a day.

I got nearly all the way around, after about an hour, and faced a dilemma - a fecking huge gap. The gap was there for the ice flattener machine (technical name) to drive through, now I could either turn around and take another hour to shuffle back or skate on my own through the gap - a daunting prospect.

I decided to be a dare-devil and take my life into my hands and skate that horrifying eight foot gap.

I slowly teetered, lurched, shuffled and tottered my way to the other side, cheering triumphantly, earning looks of wonder from others (possibly at why I was allowed out without someone to look after me) I decided I'd had more than enough fun and didn't want to risk getting cocky and breaking my neck, so I shuffle off the ice and take off my strap-on blades, the minute I walk on my now unsupported ankle, my leg gives way.

I appear to have damaged myself, after limping through New York City, my ankle in agony, my singing teacher took pity on me and allowed me to go with another teacher and student in a cab back to the hotel.

We get to our hotel, and the teacher and student go in, I say I'll follow shortly, I'm just going to get some supplies from the shop opposite.

I lurch across the street with a now agonising limp, buy my supplies and limp pitifully across the road. The rather gorgeous bouncer sees me and rushes down the stairs to heroically help me up the stairs.

He grabs my elbow in his muscular hand and looks down at me in concern "Are you alright?" he asks.

I could have looked at him coquettishly and fluttered my eyelashes and said "Could you help me to my room?"

But no I look at him and mutter "I hurt myself."

Needless to say he gave me a look to say 'this chick is a little simple' helped me up the stairs and dropped my arm and turned his back on me.

Simpleton that I am ruined my own chances once more. Marvellous.

Humiliation my Faithful Friend

Embarrassing, yet true. Day One.

Hello everyone, wow, it's been a week already, and so it's time for a topic change, I was going to dates from heaven and then realised, it's not that funny, it's not that interesting and there's not that many of them. However I constantly seem to make a fool of myself, so here are some of the most embarrassing things to happen to me. Please feel free to share your embarrassing stories...

I'm 16 years old, and I'm in my final year of school. I have a best friend who I occasionally hang out with at school and I have 2 close female friends who I spend most of my time with.

I'm the first to admit that we're a bit tarty, we're trying to impress the boys, every lunchtime they play football, and every lunchtime, we sunbathe as we watch them. Our school skirts rolled at the waist to become micro mini skirts, wearing skimpy summer shirts underneath our school uniform, which we remove at lunch time, all in an effort to impress the boys.

There's one boy in particular that I'm pining after and it's the world's worst kept secret, and I spend most of my lunch times staring at him longingly.

One lunch time, we're sitting there as usual when one of my friends goes to talk to a group of the boys, they're all talking closely when suddenly, they grab her and pick her up, I'm not sure what they were trying to do really, but she calls me to help, which I do, because if they're gonna start wrestling I'm definitely joining in, that's my passion in life, not theirs. I manage to get my friend free and we sling our arms around each other and walk off the pitch laughing.

We're standing at the side of the pitch now and she turns to me.

"Thank you for that!" She laughs and I join in.

"You're welcome." I smile.

"I'm really sorry." She says and I look at her baffled.

"For what?" I ask, I don't have to wait long for my answer, whilst we'd been talking one of the boys, Billy, had crawled on his hands and knees behind me, and Jenn smiled before shoving me.

The backs of my legs caught Billy and I went flying over his back and onto mine, my legs flailing in the air and my underwear on show for the whole world to see, especially the boys playing football.

And it wasn't sexy underwear, oh no, it was the washday granny pants! You know the ones, your biggest, least sexy pair of pants because all the others are in the wash.

I shot to my feet, but it was too late, the entire football team had seen and they stood cheering. I had to spend the rest of the day listening to a chorus of 'Nice pants.' Worst. Friend. Ever.

Dates From Hell Day Seven

Dates From Hell: The Finale.

Good morning folks, ok so we're at the last day of Dating Disasters, tomorrow we'll move on to a new subject, at least I hope we will, I start the training for my new job tomorrow and have to stay in a hotel that doesn't offer free Wifi - jerks.
I had a fantastic night with my friends last night and now need to recover somewhat - not that I was drinking, as I don't drink, I'm just extraordinarily tired ;) On to the blog...

I'm returning back to the time that I was nineteen, I was seeing a gorgeous guy, who was amazing; fun to be around, a complete flirt, and older than me.
We'd had many wonderful and fun great dates, so when we arranged to go out one summer's evening I was excited.

I love the summer and he had a house right on the harbor, a really beautiful house.

He said that we would go to his and have dinner on the patio, then head to the pub for a little while, it sounded heavenly to me and we were having a scorching summer so I brought to work my change of clothes.

Getting ready at work is always fun, everyone is suddenly interested in your business and they all want to know what's going on, seeing as we worked together we had to keep our relationship on the down-low so people asking questions always made me uncomfortable.

My hair and makeup was immaculate, I wore a mini-skirt and a bikini top with a see-through shirt over the top of that, perfect sexy summer wear.

I walked out of work to wolf-whistles, cat calls and questions, I ignored them all as I knew that my guy was outside waiting for me.

He was in a car with his brother, who I had never met before but he was very nice, I assumed he was coming round for dinner, when we started driving in the opposite direction I had to ask questions.

"Urm, where we going?" I piped up from the backseat.

"To my mums." He replied.

"What? I thought we were going to yours?" I asked, panic setting in, I was so not dressed to visit his mum.

"We are, we're going to my mum's." He answered and I restrained myself from banging my head against a wall.

His mum lived in a gorgeous house, with beautiful land surrounding it, it was really rustic and I loved it.

As I tottered towards the house in my high heels, mini skirt and bikini top, I cringed inside.

And then the real fun began, I met his 2 sisters, his brother, his brother's boyfriend, his nephew, his father and his mother and I was dressed like a hooker.

His nephew was a tiny sweet kid but his mum took him home pretty early, his other sister was really sweet, I liked her, his dad was lovely but his mum? She hated me.

I managed to crash a family party, dressed as a hooker, it really was no wonder she wasn't keen on me. At one point I found out that his mother grew her own pot, I suddenly wondered why she was trying to take the moral high ground here.

They all sparked up, but I don't smoke and felt really uncomfortable and left out. It soon started getting dark, and people started to go inside.

He and I stayed outside and chatted and kissed for a while, which was lovely, then he went to find out where the rest of his family were. And he left me outside, on my own, for twenty minutes.

I didn't feel confident enough to walk around his house on my own, so I just sat there, being bitten by mosquito's and wondering what on earth I should do.

However, someone soon remembered my existence and his brothers boyfriend came out to get me. He was really sweet and grabbed my hand and took me inside. Where I had to stand awkwardly as they excluded me from conversation for another hour.

Thankfully it was soon time to leave, his dad, sister, brother and brother's boyfriend all gave me a hug goodbye. His mother didn't even look at me as I left.

As I walked from the house, trying to preserve what dignity I had left, I tripped on the stairs and gave the family a parting view of my underwear.

I never did win his mother around.

Dates From Hell Day Six

Dates From Hell: If I Wanted to See a Northern Monkey, I Would Have Gone to The Zoo.

I was talking to a friend of mine online last night, he's in an awesome band who are very soon going to be massive and they already have a decent following (www.myspace.com/futures) He's currently on tour, and whilst drunk last night he decided to message me with our usual banter, and as I was replying to him it struck me as really surreal that there are hundreds of young girls already hero-worshipping him, who would love to be in my position. It was a strange moment for me. Anyways enough of my babbling, on to my newest blog...

This date happened fairly recently, like a couple of months ago recently.

I had moved up to Huddersfield to go to university, I had made a couple of really good friends and we all would hang out together in our small group, I am a naturally sociable person and wanted to meet as many new people as possible so I made the mistake of searching online for people in my area.

I started messaging this cute guy, he looked a lot like my ex in his pictures so I was attracted to him and we spent a couple of evenings talking on MSN, he put his webcam on and he was good looking and he was funny, so I suggested that we meet up for a drink.

He agreed and the next day he text me asking if I wanted to meet for a drink, I had to go to uni but I agreed, knowing I had a big break in the middle of the day where I could meet him, I got all dressed up which was slightly over-dressed for uni, which my friend Joey noticed immediately when I got in.

After our lecture I explained all to Joey and showed him a picture of my date and he agreed that he was a good looking man - Joey is cool like that, and also brutally honest, which is also a good thing as you know you're getting a straight answer when you ask him something - however our other friend Jess hadn't made it in, and the three of us were like the three musketeers, I couldn't leave Joey on his own so told him to come to the pub with me, and if I liked this guy he could leave (my friendship only goes so far).

We got to the pub and I hadn't received a text so I assumed my date was running late, and there was no way in hell that I was going to ask him where he was, instead Joey and I had a couple of drinks and had a laugh.

Eventually about fifteen minutes before I was due to go back to uni I got a text from my date asking where I was, he had gone to the wrong pub. I text back that I'd have to meet him in an hour instead after my next seminar was done.

When I was finished uni for the day, Jess (who had turned up to her last lesson), Joey and our new friend Vaines all came with me to the pub, I like to think that they were concerned with my safety but I knew that they were just being nosey. I was glad that they were coming however as that meant there was no pressure, if I liked this guy, we could excuse ourselves from my group.

Eventually he arrived at the pub and I wasn't the only one who noticed he wasn't as good looking as his pictures, but he wasn't by any means ugly.

I went with him to the bar as he spoke about the course he was enrolling on, and then complained about his lack of money and ordered the cheapest beer. I just hoped his complaining was nervous chatter and that soon he'd relax.

We got back to our table and my friends included him, not that we needed to worry about him being a shrinking violet, he took over the entire conversation and shouted down anyone who dared interrupt him.

Joey got up to go out for a cigarette and my date followed demanding that Joey give him a smoke, I was mortified.

"Well?" Jess asked.

"He is so not my type." I replied wishing I could just leave now.

I had never been more thankful to have my friends around.

"You never know, maybe he's nervous, maybe he'll calm down." Vaines said reassuringly and I smiled, thankful of the support.

However when they came back my date was worse than ever, making crude jokes, saying how people are uptight and shouting out the most disgusting words he can think of.

Now I am immature, I am not uptight and I do my fair share of things just to shock people, but this was just insane and I thought I may actually explode from embarrassment

My friend Joey is quite opinionated and really intelligent and when he gets into an argument it's often hilarious as he won't stop until he wins, I was hoping that my date would get into it with him, however my date chose to harass my new friend Vaines. Vaines is really chill, he goes with the flow and doesn't really get riled by anything, my date saw this as an opportunity and ripped into him.

Vaines let it go, but I was furious, I looked at Joey with wide shocked eyes, hoping that we could find a way to get rid of this guy, when thankfully he did it for me.

"Well, I've got to go." (I'm pretty sure there were a ton of expletives in there but I cleaned it up for you).

"Ok." I said abruptly making no attempt at niceness or offering to do this again sometime, I didn't even want him as a friend and an awkward goodbye occurred, in which I stayed seated, knowing that I did not want to hug him, and also that if I stood I would more than likely kick him in the balls.

We all watched as he left and then let out a collective sigh.

"Never again." I muttered and the four of us sat and drank and laughed at the horror that had just occurred.